Catching our breath.. letting it go: How Kelly Clarkson’s song “Catch my Breath” defined my 26th year of life
Yes, you heard that right. This libra stellium is hot on the trail of her 27th birthday(October 1st for those who want to know❤︎). On the eve of my 26th Birthday last year, a song I hadn’t heard in over a decade popped in to my head, yes you heard that right. Kelly Clarkson’s “Catch my Breath”.
The song is about turning your cheek to the people and things that have kept you down or held you back and choosing to take the reigns of your life, enjoy the people, places, and things that bring joy and excitement —then let the universe handle the rest.
As a recovering people pleaser to the highest extreme, the line “learning how to react” and “I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right” really stood out to me. I have been unbuilding my life this last year. The life I built based on the reactions of others to my choices. The life that is probably a great life, but it is not my own. It’s been vulnerable, raw, wholly comfortable, yet exciting in a way I can’t describe. Peace and serenity fill me when I make the right choices for me that directly contrast the embarrassment and pure stress that clouded the decisions I made when I was trying to “grind” and grow out of my “comfort zone”(i.e. pushing myself until burnout in hopes of gaining superpowers of a perfect efficient robot or something idk I lost the plot).
As a young child, I was a bright star of a personality, whispers always followed of people wondering if I would be a comic, actress, or singer when I grew up, all seemed to agree I had a loud personality made for the TV or consuming of others(for better or for worse lol). Then around age 9, something happened…
I became afraid
I became scared of the same attention younger me couldn’t of cared about and thrived in. I no longer wanted any spotlight to touch me, which I later saw was the beginning of me entering a long bout of depression that would follow me to adulthood.
With the fear of other’s eyes surrounding me, came me withdrawing from a lot that I enjoyed before and left me a shell of a human, just following the motions while attempting to attract as little attention as possible(fate had other plans for me but that’s another story). Focusing on containing my all-consuming depression and hiding it from everyone I loved took about all the energy I had. It makes sense that to make as little waves as possible, I would need o follow the societal conventions that would make my family the happiest. A family full of engineers, entrepreneurs; all in analytical fields, all successful. A lot of blood and sweat later, I did it. I was amongst the top of my major in my university, the most perfectionistic workaholic you had ever seen. Got a job with a fortune 500 company as a software developer straight out of university and went from there. Bought my own beautiful historic home, and you won’t believe it.
I. STILL. WASN’T. HAPPY.
For many it will be no surprise there, chasing the “American Dream” or the dreams of the people you want to make proud, only to end up with an empty cup of your own.
I tried to find purpose and joy in the praise and work and the way I was climbing the ladder of this company (through mind boggling overtime on all my projects and making myself insanely uncomfortable taking opportunities WAY out of my comfort zone might I add). I desperately WANTED it to be enough for me! Yet, when I reflected back on how hard I fought to stay alive and to be here today I couldn’t help but feeling I had greatly let myself down. All that pain, agony, torment only to end up in a life I didn’t love, a life consumed by something I wasn’t even passionate about. And worst of all, more alone than ever, having lost my childhood emotional support dog the summer before. When my company laid off 75% of my area of software developers, AKA everyone who had been there under 5 years, including me. I decided enough was enough. I had been FREED and I wasn’t going to let myself fall back in to a cycle of climbing another ladder with no prize for me at the top. I took a risk, took a chance, made a change(hey kelly reference) and found a less stressful and easier position working flexible hours at my family’s company, for NOW. Very clear on the last part, but i realized I needed some time to figure out WHO I EVEN AM?! and WHAT I EVEN WANT?! Just to name a few of my many existential crises, like a constant tower moment that has left me violently falling with no clue of where or when I’ll land.
Now a year later, I have sorted through a lot of muck, and learned to start ACTUALLY opening up again. I may be outgoing, yet I am also secretive?? I have started to learn to trust others again and be open in a way that is VULNERABLE! Being ready to try things that only my childhood self would be bold enough to do! And it has been terrifying yet I thinkkk(?) it’s starting to feel freeing. I am looking forward to how much I may full circle before my next birthday, but just know, I’m really just getting started!
Here’s to a year of “Making time for the ones that count, laughing hard with the windows down, leaving footprints all over town”. Let’s do it all with even more bold authenticity next year!
Thanks, Kelly!
XOXO Jaimie
